


i look up and the whole rooms spinning.

by LLReid



Series: the ghosts of girlfriends past. [6]
Category: Bloodbound (Visual Novels), Queen B (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon LGBTQ Character, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Human/Vampire Relationship, I Don't Even Know, I was drunk when I wrote part two I’m so sorry, LGBTQ Female Character, LMAO, Light Angst, Nostalgia, Old Age, Psychic Abilities, Same-Sex Marriage, Teacher-Student Relationship, Vampires, What Have I Done, Your local wine lesbian is having a meltdown, it’s literally 3:55am, requests!!, why do I do this to myself?, you guys are killing me with these prompts wtf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:40:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27054304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LLReid/pseuds/LLReid
Summary: Inspired by; Breathin’ by Ariana Grande (sad version)~~~~~“I’m not in love with her,” when she spoke her words sounded light and almost carefree, but both Ina and Lilian could feel the strain behind them; the effort of trying to forget, to push down, the consequences of things she could never take back or remedy, “but I don’t... not love her either.”“This is why you self sabotage every relationship you’ve been in, isn’t it?,” sighed Lilian. “Are you really going to be so loyal to someone you don't even have? Ina—““It’s irrelevant.” Guilt sliced through her skin like a blade, opening veins as it went. As it turned out, reality was the place where you could literally feel the cracks in your heart when someone called you on your bullshit. She didn’t need anyone to know how in the night, her loneliness crushed her, as if the sky itself had crashed down to smother her in its cold arms. She didn’t want anyone to know she also hated being with anyone else because the one person she actually wanted was never coming back.
Relationships: Ina Kingsley/Anastasia Swann, Ina Kingsley/Original Character, Kamilah Sayeed/Anastasia Sayeed, Kamilah Sayeed/Main Character (Bloodbound)
Series: the ghosts of girlfriends past. [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974595
Comments: 16
Kudos: 49





	1. Just Keep Breathin’

**Author's Note:**

> IG PROMPT: okay so i love how well developed your character anastasia is and enjoyed the story you made about her past with sam dalton so much and think its super cool how youve also blended her backstory to replace bea hughes {i hate her to btw & think pb should literally jst make annie the mc in every book bc shes an angel} so i was wondering if u could make a similar story to the one you did with sam. maybe this time ina sees anastasia years later at a party or one of adrian’s presidential galas or something like that. kami would be there with her. idk & idc about the specifics just pleASE do what you do best & make me cry 😭😭😭
> 
> Link to the version of the song that inspired this chapter: https://youtu.be/p5rTdpoO85E

In the silence that had fallen over the gathered reporters and who’s who of New York society across the room after the speeches both Adrian and Anastasia had made to help the presidential hopeful’s campaign, Ina watched as Anastasia sat alone on figurative throne and waited eagerly for all the satisfaction and triumph of another day of successfully ruling the vampire world and the mortal world — despite the fact she would deny any involvement there — to hit her. The dazzling redhead may have been surrounded by people, she may have been the centre of attention despite the fact that she was not the one running for president, but she wasn’t like them. She wasn’t human, nor was she a regular vampire. She was a marginal outsider who was as feared as she was adored, her powers still a mystery to the vast majority of people, her accomplishments now the stuff of legend. Ina watched as the Bloodkeeper waited, and waited, and waited.

But it didn’t come.

She wasn’t sure if she could still read her sweet Anastasia the way she’d once been able to or if it was just the anthropologist in her that could see through the act. It didn’t matter if she was seeing her face on the cover of magazines or watching interviews with her, but she always got the sense that the vampire was waiting for that sense of victory and satisfaction to hit her. 

It never did.

It was like she felt invincible, or invisible whenever she was on public display. One or the other, maybe both. Constantly fulfilling the fantasy people had of her.

The only time Ina saw any hints of the Anastasia she’d once known was in the candid snaps and videos posted on various social media platforms. When one was allowed to peer through the gilded glass windows, past the pomp and ceremony, to catch a glimpse of the iconic woman’s private life with her wife and friends — the moments when she was free of all expectation and able to be herself without judgement.

“Ina,” Lilian sighed, placing a gentle hand on her arm, “just go up and say hi to her. You’ve been staring across the ballroom all evening and she hasn’t noticed you because she’s so busy schmoozing on Senator Raines behalf—“

Ina scoffed and threw back what was left in her old fashioned before slamming her glass down on the bar. Her eyes never left the redhead glittering across the room in a long black dress — that looked like it cost more than her monthly rent — the very same way she had done that one ancient night in an upscale speakeasy. That one ancient night when the air had been still been warm with all the sweetness of summer and the future cracked wide open, when all it had taken was sending her a drink to get her attention. Back when she was a mortal girl living in obscurity, with no hints that she’d become the most famous and beloved woman in the world within less than two years of their first meeting. Back when Ina had foolishly warned her against everyone wandering Belvoire’s hallowed halls except herself.

How things had changed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ina scolded her sister. After she pulled her eyes away from her, she realised that she was not the only one dumbstruck. Many of the people around her were sneaking glances at her. Anastasia didn’t even seem to notice, which, of course, made her all the more intriguing. “You don’t just walk up to Anastasia Swann— I mean, Sayeed... Anastasia Sayeed. She’s— I mean— She’s Anastasia Sayeed!”

“She’s also someone who once meant a great deal to you and who cared for you just as much, despite the circumstances you two found yourselves in.” Lilian took a long sip out of the glass of wine in her hand, her eyes never leaving Ina’s face. “Ina—“

“Don’t.”

“You still love her,” whispered Lilian. 

Ina sighed but didn’t answer her sister right away. The truth was that some pasts could not be left behind. They must be fought, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she still loved her or if she was still in love with the girl she’d once been, all she knew for certain was that Anastasia had been incredibly special to her. She’d dated other women since their relationship had fallen apart, of course, but no one had ever been able to fill the space in her heart the way Anastasia once had so effortlessly. And when she thought of love, of the greatest love of her life, Anastasia was the only one she thought of.

In the silence her eyes never left her former student dazzling the press with Adrian Raines and Kamilah Sayeed on her arms. How strange to think that she had always thought of her as the sweet, naïve one. But perhaps she had always worn her sweetness and naïvety as a shield. Perhaps she had always known exactly what she was doing.

Everyone always said that love was enough to keep two people together. It wasn't. It never had been. It never would be. Not when life got in the way and forced your soul to shatter.

For a long moment she simply watched her do what she did best. She really did sparkle the very same way she’d done that night in the speakeasy, it didn’t matter that she was now making major political manoeuvres as opposed to simply drinking with friends. Anastasia just didn’t know how to be anything other than utterly captivating. As she watched her, Ina wasn’t sure exactly what it was she was feeling. The woman before her was so similar to the girl she’d known, but life had changed her in ways Ina would never be able to understand. So she took a deep breath and rationalised that whatever these emotions were, made her human. Even the unpleasant ones had a purpose. She wasn’t going to lock them away again. She knew that if she ignored them, they would just get louder and angrier.

“I’m not in love with her,” when she spoke her words sounded light and almost carefree, but both Ina and Lilian could feel the strain behind them; the effort of trying to forget, to push down, the consequences of things she could never take back or remedy, “but I don’t... not love her either.”

“This is why you self sabotage every relationship you’ve been in, isn’t it?,” sighed Lilian. “Are you really going to be so loyal to someone you don't even have? Ina—“

“It’s irrelevant.” Guilt sliced through her skin like a blade, opening veins as it went. As it turned out, reality was the place where you could literally feel the cracks in your heart when someone called you on your bullshit. She didn’t need anyone to know how in the night, her loneliness crushed her, as if the sky itself had crashed down to smother her in its cold arms. She didn’t want anyone to know she also hated being with anyone else because the one person she actually wanted was never coming back.

Sometimes loneliness was a choice, and a very valid one at that. Few people wanted witnesses to their pain, and the sort of you felt when you couldn’t be with someone important to you was almost like grief, and it was the worst pain of all.

“No. It’s not irrelevant.”

“Love is illogical, love has consequences—“

“I know that—“

“She’s married now and she’s quite clearly very happy. Kamilah Sayeed looks at her like she’s the most precious thing in the world and she looks back at her the same way. And she’s a vampire. Anything that may or not be going on in my head is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. She’s where she’s supposed to be. Only the worthy are made immortal.”

Lilian sighed, turned, and walked away from her. “Must you be so dense?”

She pouted and called after her, clueless as to why she had walked off. “Whats that supposed to mean? I don’t see how not wanting to intrude on her happiness is being dense—“

“Professor?”

She froze at the sound of a wonderfully familiar voice to her left and did everything she could to ignore Lilian giggling into her glass at the opposite end of the bar as she turned to look at the woman it had come from. If it was even possible, she was even more beautiful up close than she remembered her being. Stunning in a way that still distracted her from everything. She was immediately struck with the calmness and the absence of everything her presence seemed to bring, and found herself marvelling in her majesty, in the power she could feel raising the little hairs on her arms that seemed to radiate off of her.

“It is you,” Anastasia whispered. There was wonder in her voice. 

“It is,” Ina whispered back, her voice trembling with all the emotions she’d kept hidden for so long.

“I thought I was hallucinating when I saw you.”

“Nastyona,” she breathed without even stopping to consider that using that particular diminutive might not be appropriate after all this time. Eastern customs were still difficult for her to get a proper grip on.

Her fears that she might’ve overstepped and come across as rude seemed to vanish entirely the moment Anastasia leaned in to give her a hug. And just like that, she was linked to her again. It might’ve been her imagination again, but she felt like she feel the pulse of her abilities in the air all around her, that she could feel the subtle pull of the bond that had once existed between them and history and so much mutual respect through their skin, like actual magic, the return of a long-lost companion. Of something she had once believed had been meant to be.

Ina closed her eyes, savouring the moment. When she thought of Anastasia she always seemed to forget how petite she was. This woman took up so much space in the world, inside her head, and had so much power, it seemed utterly ridiculous that she wasn’t forged of iron.

“It’s been too long,” Anastasia murmured as they broke apart, Ina’s fingertips slowly trailing down her arms seemingly of their own accord. Evidently they’d been through too much to turn into strangers. “Its— Its really good to see you, Ina. You haven’t changed a bit.”

Ina playfully rolled her eyes and smiled at the woman who had stopped ageing at twenty-two. She was the only one who looked the same as she had in their days as Belvoire’s most taboo couple. She, on the other hand, though she looked somewhat the same as she had back then. Age must’ve also made her look like a complete stranger in Anastasia’s eyes. “You never were a very good liar, Nastyona.”

Anastasia huffed in amusement. “All the sunscreen you wear has you ageing like fine wine, professor.”

A huge smile spread across Ina’s face as memories of their trip to Martha’s Vineyard came flooding back to her. Those days had been some of the best of her life and she hadn’t even known it. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever been as happy before or since that trip.

In spite of everything she’d seen and all she now knew about what had gone wrong with their love — part of her was sad without it. Was sad that two years and two trips to Martha’s Vineyard and Miami, respectively, was all she and Anastasia had been granted together. Since then had done something that changed everybody’s lives, often for the better. It was a war and a series of sacrifices she had been clueless about that had probably saved her life. And yet, here she was. Maybe she should feel like a hero for letting her walk away, for letting her go onto bigger and better things than she ever could’ve offered her. But she didn’t. For she knew, it was always easier to destroy something good than it was to create.

“It’s been almost eighteen years and you’re still going to tease me about that?” She laughed. “Is everything a joke to you? Sun protection is important for those of us who can walk in it.”

Anastasia dabbed her tongue to her lip. “Not everything.”

“Like what?”

“I— oh shut up. Age hasn’t matured me that much.”

They shared a soft laugh. In all the interviews she’d seen Anastasia do, she wasn’t sure that she’d ever heard her genuinely laugh in any of them. It was a familiar and soothing sound, both tender and unsure, reminiscent of someone who used to laugh more.

“I—,” she cleared her throat, “so, how are you?”

Anastasia smiled, and that was all it took for Ina to know that the real answer to that question would take far too long for her to explain. Being a successful CEO and world leader meant she dealt with people all day everyday and outranked all of them — and all she had to do was find a way to make them think that she was catering to their every whim. The masses couldn’t function on their own and mortals had proven incompetent at ruling their own kind, and neither could her council. They needed help. They needed her abilities to keep them in balance. Especially when they either didn’t know what was good for them, or were too stubborn to change their old fashioned views as society changed, or too self-serving to be functional people.

It was a lot of pressure for one woman to bear.

“I’m good,” the Bloodkeeper said after a moment. She really was such a bad liar. “I’m here with my family and my council to support Adrian. The first vampire running for president is a monumental occasion in our society, so we’re doing everything we can to be here for him however we can.”

“And how’s that going?”

“It is a long battle to fight,” she said, “but we must still fight it. Adrian wants to speak for those less fortunate than ourselves, who will need our help. Speak for the ones who will come after him, looking to him for guidance. He just wants to do good while he can, because he knows one day we will live long enough to see it all go up in flames— Anyway, never mind that, enough about me. I’m about as sick of hearing my own name as I’m sure everybody else is. What about you?”

“I can’t complain. I was finally offered tenure a couple of years ago,” she laughed. “Life has been pretty good with that security.”

Anastasia smiled, her glacial blue eyes sparkling in a way that still made Ina’s breath hitch in her throat... even after all this time. It was the sparkle that told her how much she’d loved her, once. “Congratulations. You deserve it... though I’m seriously surprised it took them this long. You were the best teacher at Belvoire.”

Warmth rose to Ina’s cheeks. “You may be a little biased there.”

Anastasia’s eyes burnt in the light, and although it was brief and might’ve just been her imagination, Ina swore she could see a small smile on the vampire’s face. She’d long forgotten how her long lashes caught the light. “Perhaps, but you never went easy on me just because I was in your pants before I’d even walked into your classroom... and I respect that. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for the lessons you taught me.”

Her jaw dropped. “I— Do you mean that?”

“Every word. You are forever a piece of my story.” Anastasia’s smile softened and she reached out to gently touch her hand rested on the bar. “I wanted to tell you that before I graduated but I think I was too immature at the time to see beyond everything else, so I didn’t say anything. You don’t even realise how much of an impact you had on me as a teacher, regardless of everything else. For years, my life has held a prophecy. The details are vague, as such things often are, but it can pretty much be summed up like this: Do things right, or everyone will die. I don’t think I’d have the strength to be who and what I am if it wasn’t for you... you were the first person to ever believe in me. So thank you for that.”

“You are a light,” she replied gently. “And when you shine, you shine bright.”

“That’s in part because of you. You were the one who taught me that failure doesn't define a person. It's what they do after they fail that determines whether they are a leader or a waste of perfectly good air.” Anastasia smiled. “So many of my achievements never would have happened if it wasn’t for your voice in my head telling me to stop moping after I failed.”

“So my nagging actually did have a purpose?”

Anastasia giggled. “Yes. You pushing me and calling me out when you knew I could do better did actually teach me something important. All of those snarky comments in red ink in the margins of my essays taught me more than you know.”

She lightly brushed her fingers against the vampire’s as her heart clenched in her chest. Even after all this time this woman could drive her insane. She was the scariest, most clever, bravest person she knew, and even now she couldn’t catch her breath because she was trying so hard to keep up. She was no swift-burning spark. She was a torch against the night. There would never be another like her... and deep down — even if she wouldn’t admit it to herself — Ina knew she would bring down the sky, if it meant she was able to go back to the day they had ended things between them and stay with her, always. But the world didn’t work that way, did it?

It had taken only a split second for things to go horribly wrong where they were concerned. Regardless of their circumstances, they’d been two consenting adults at the time they’d been together and Ina didn’t feel guilty in the slightest about that, but being together had almost ruined them both and that had been impossible to ignore. She knew that if they’d wanted fix the mess, they would’ve needed a thousand things to go right. The distance from one bit of luck to the next had felt as great as the distance across oceans, but it probably could’ve been done if they’d tried... and that was what killed her.

In hindsight she could say with certainty that life was made of so many moments that meant nothing. Then one day, a single moment would comes along to define every second that came after. Such moments were tests of courage, of strength. Meeting Anastasia. Letting her go. They had been two of the most meaningful moments of Ina’s entire life.

“I am sorry,” Ina said eventually. “You know... for how much trouble I got you in... but I don’t— I— I don’t have any regrets.”

“Ina, you have nothing to be sorry for. I wouldn’t take back a second of the time I shared with you. You were the first person I ever really loved and what you gave me is not something I could ever regret.” Anastasia’s expression softened. “I don’t even think we realised back then that we had become so accustomed to the burden of secrets that we couldn’t notice their weight until we were free of them. People were going to find out eventually and, something I’ve learned since I started honing my psychic abilities, is everything happens exactly how it’s supposed to. The freedom to choose my own path has only ever been an illusion where I’m concerned.”

Ina’s brow furrowed. Anastasia had always had the habit of saying things she didn’t expect, but now she spoke almost formally, as if she was telling a story. As if each one of her words held a thousand meanings. As if she knew one too many things she didn’t want to know, things that no one could ever even begin to understand and she couldn’t explain either.

“It’s — it’s hard to believed you were ever like me,” Ina said before she could stop herself. “You were a mortal. A normal mortal. And that was taken from you.”

Anastasia huffed in amusement. “Does that bother you, professor?”

“Well,” she smirked, realising that Anastasia was still a fire that beckoned her gently and then burnt her when she could no longer resist the urge to get too close, “it certainly makes you the anthropologists dream subject. Many a prize could be won studying you.”

They both chuckled and Anastasia replied, “well luckily for me, my abilities save me from all the curious anthropologists in my life getting too close to all the things they think they want know.”

“Think they want to know?,” Ina echoed.

Anastasia hummed in the very same way she had done years earlier when it was clear she wasn’t going to give a real answer. “People always say they want to know the truth about the way this world works but rarely like it when it’s served up. It’s much kinder for some things to remain mysteries, so that the mortals can live their eight or nine decades as well as they can.”

Ina sighed, her eyes never leaving Anastasia. Right now she was wearing a mask like the rest of the partygoers supporting Adrian Raines. Bold, brave, strong, wise. But those were all afterthoughts for her. Even when she’d been mortal she’d seen people and things as they should be and also as they actually were — which was not as common as most people thought. She laughed at herself. She gave all of herself — in everything that she did, so it was really no surprise to her that girl who’d once wanted to know everything about everything was now the one protecting people from the true horrors of the world that their mortal minds couldn’t even imagine. She was all the things that most people could never be. She was good.

“My love, you’re going to have to help me. Lily and Serafine have gotten themselves drunk and are talking about skinny dipping in the East River. I’m of half a mind to just leave them to it but I—,” Kamilah stopped talking as she looked up from the cellphone in her hand to see them already engrossed in conversation.

“If we leave them to it they’ll have floated halfway to England before they sober up, sweetheart,” Anastasia giggled, her face completely lighting up at the sight of her wife. Ina watched as she looped her arms around Kamilah’s neck and drew her into a kiss. “Where are they?”

“I may or may not have slipped hemlock into the drinks they’re chugging at the moment.” The ancient vampire gestured towards a table across the room where two intoxicated vampires were practically hanging off of their seats whilst Adrian Raines panicked and attempted to make the scene look normal. “Lightweights.”

“You sedated them?”

Kamilah shrugged her shoulders like this was a completely normal occurrence. “It was either sedate them or restrain them until they sobered up. You know how they are when they’ve been drinking. I don’t have the patience to play babysitter or hold anyone’s hair out of the way whilst they stick their head in a toilet. So I figured I’d be nice and put them to sleep.”

“Kami. Seriously? You absolute dork.” 

“Anything else is your strength. You heal. You’re comforting. I prefer drastic measures over gently coxing them to act appropriately.” The vampires shared a secret look Ina couldn’t even begin to decode and Kamilah said, “But in my defence, I didn’t even stab them.”

“Ah, so whipping out the hemlock like it’s a pack of gum and sedating them was your way of being perfectly fucking civil,” Anastasia teased. “Drugging people that piss you off is just as bad as stabbing every bitch who looks at you the wrong way.”

“It was practically a public service.”

Anastasia couldn’t have hid her love for Kamilah if she tried to, and Ina’s stomach dropped when she realised she’d once looked at her that way. The very same love was reflected in Kamilah’s ancient eyes as she gazed back at her with all the tenderness of the woman who got to wake up with her every morning and fall asleep beside her each night. If Ina couldn’t be the one to do that, then she was happy to know that the woman who could loved her that much. It meant so much to see that Anastasia was with someone who would take care of her, cherish her, and love her in a way no other woman ever could. That she was with someone who wanted to spoil her — every kiss, every touch, every thought, that they all belonged to her. That she could make her happy. Every day, she made her happy.

Anastasia and Kamilah were each other’s countermelodies. And Ina realised that she was just a dissonant note.

“Kami,” Anastasia said, glancing between Ina and Kamilah, “this is Ina Kingsley, I’ve mentioned before that she taught me at Belvoire.”

Kamilah raised an eyebrow at her wife in a way that made it very clear she knew about the circumstances they’d once found themselves in, and she placed a protective hand in the small of Anastasia’s back. Ina understood why. Everyone in the world knew Anastasia’s past on paper and Ina had known the younger version of the woman standing before her — but that didn’t mean she knew Anastasia, it didn’t mean anybody outside of her inner circle knew anything more than the image she projected. Nobody had traveled with her and witnessed the suffering she’d gone through the same way Kamilah had. And could you ever truly comprehend anything about something, or someone… unless you’d experienced it for yourself?

“Indeed you have.”

“Ina, this is my wife, Kamilah Sayeed.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Ina said as she reached out to shake Kamilah’s hand.

The ancient vampire offered her a small smile as she shook. “Likewise.”

Anastasia sighed and rubbed at her head like she had a headache, like she was lost for a moment in an old memory or one of the visions it was rumoured she had from time-to-time but had never publicly confirmed or denied. For a few seconds it was like she couldn’t help staring vacantly off into space — like nothing seemed real to her, like she was swimming in a sea of fog where emotions and images and thoughts were all out of focus, like she was trying to shut out a scream that was coming from inside her own mind.

“Annie?,” Kamilah said, protectively wrapping both of her arms around her wife and drawing her close to her body. “Baby?” She caressed her cheek, as if trying to snap her out of whatever was happening. “Can you hear me at all?”

“Is she alright?,” Ina prodded.

“Epilepsy,” Kamilah said, her eyes never leaving Anastasia even as Adrian Raines suddenly appeared at her side looking just as worried. Ina had studied more than enough people to know she was lying. Whatever this was, it was not epilepsy.

“Is she...,” Adrian started, trailing off. “How long?”

“It just started,” Kamilah said. 

“We need to get her out of here. If she—“

“Believe it or not, I’m well aware of the situation at hand without you stating the obvious,” Kamilah growled. Rage seemed to colour her every movement as she glanced around the room. Rage that had nothing to do with the other people in the room and everything to do with whatever was happening to Anastasia and the confusion rolling around inside everyone. “It’s just not as easy as you might think to throw the most famous woman in the world over your shoulder in a crowded ballroom and whisk her away without people noticing. Even the mortals aren’t that oblivious.”

“This is why you shouldn’t have sedated Lily. She’s the perfect distraction—“

“Brother, I advise you to quit whilst you’re ahead—“

Anastasia suddenly jerked out of whatever trance she’d fallen into and looked between the three of them with an ashen face. “I— sorry— I—“

“It’s okay. Everything is okay,” Kamilah soothed, smoothing back her hair to press a kiss against her sweaty brow. “You know it’s not your fault.”

Anastasia nodded and turned to look at her. “Ina, how did you get here tonight?”

“My sister drove us—“

“Our driver will take you home,” Anastasia cut in. “Her breaks need fixed.”

“I think she’s getting them checked tomorrow. The car was making a weird noise on the drive over but it was otherwise fine—“

“Ina, the safety of machines is an illusion never to trust. I can’t explain what just happened and I need you to forget what you saw. Just trust me.” Anastasia’s eyes seemed to pierce right down to her soul, making her heart rate double with the depths of pain suddenly swimming there. Those stunning eyes were almost unfathomably sad. She had tears in them now. The sight was more than she could bear as the Bloodkeeper took a small step away from her and then turned back like a caged animal. “Do not get into that car until the breaks have been fixed. Don’t let Lilian get into it either. Promise me.”

Ina nodded in a daze. “I— I promise.”

Anastasia reached out and gently touched her hand with an exhausted smile on her face. “It was really good seeing you, Ina.”

“It was good to see you, too,” she smiled sadly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Cross my heart, professor,” smirked Anastasia, squeezing her hand one last time before Adrian and Kamilah lead her away.

Ina and Lilian didn’t spend much longer at the event, and it was nearly impossible for her to satisfy her sister’s curiosity as to why they were suddenly being driven in the back of a Rolls Royce by a driver in a full victorian tuxedo and top hat, who may or may not have been a vampire. Ina had never feared the night, not even as a child, but New York’s night after partying with vampires was different, heavy with a silence that made you look over your shoulder, a silence that felt like a living thing.

Strange, how silence could speak as loudly as a scream.

Anastasia was still on her mind when she woke early the next morning to a hysterical phone call from Lilian. All she could make out was that they’d apparently both have died if they’d gotten into her car after Senator Raines’ event. Her breaks were completely shot.

She wasn’t entirely sure exactly what had happened and intended to keep her promise by not mentioning that she’d witnessed some sort of... episode. All she knew was that Anastasia had saved their lives.


	2. Keep This Love In A Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IG PROMPT: Annie x Ina but Ina gets old and dies.
> 
> Inspired by; Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

~~~~ 48 YEARS LATER ~~~~

“Why do you continue to visit me, Nastyona?,” the dying old mortal woman in the hospital bed asked, making the Bloodkeeper still as she adjusted her blankets. “You have a life to live—“

“Ina,” Anastasia whispered, her heart aching. Today was a Good Day. Ina was tired but somewhat aware of her surroundings, though she still couldn’t remember that Lilian had passed away two years earlier and had been unable to recognise Charlotte when she’d come to visit her — until she had used her abilities on her to give her some clarity. The vampire was the one face she knew, the one face that was the exact same at the grand old age of eighty-seven as it’d been when she’d first met Ina at twenty years old. “You’re my friend. There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

This was the part of life as a vampire that she’d always dreaded. The part Kamilah had been gently preparing her for since the moment she’d clawed herself out of her own grave all those years ago. The part when she’d say goodbye to all the important people in her life who’d clung to their mortality. Her parents. Zoey Wade. Poppy Min Sinclair. Veronica Lombardi. Her extended family. Former employees she’d gotten on well with. Sam Dalton. And now Ina Kingsley — who had come back into her life unexpectedly decades earlier, become good friends with both her and Kamilah, and had been the only mortal ever allowed to do many prize winning anthropological studies within the vampire community.

Death had a terrible habit of cutting straight through every careful line a person had drawn between their present and their future. Anastasia had a hundred thousand of these lines, and in one day they had all been severed, leaving her with nothing but a stack of her loved one’s — who had no other family — medical bills and loans to pay back and even some gambling debt. Death didn't even give her somewhere to direct her anger at the passing of time, at how little life mortals were really granted. All she could do was be there with the people who needed her in their final days, whether that was just to hold their hands or do whatever she could with her abilities to ease their mental distress — which wasn’t as easy to do on a brain riddled with diseases like Alzheimer’s or Dementia than most people would think.

Ina held out a frail hand to beckon her closer, so she took it and sat gingerly on the bed beside her. Her hands were cold, colder than she ever imagined Ina Kingsley could be. They said that touch could heal. So she held fast to her, trying to put everything she felt into that touch.

“You’re still a terrible liar,” sighed Ina, her voice paper thin and mirroring her exhaustion. “My memories and eyesight may have started to fail me, but I can still tell when you’re lying. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Anastasia laughed weakly and roughly wiped at her eyes with her free hand. “I’m just— I just wish you’d have let me Turn you. Selfishly, perhaps, but there it is.”

“I’ve always held the belief that life is beautiful because it ends.” Ina smiled sadly. “And I’ve lived a good life. My only regret is— well, that hardly matters now. Life was a series of moments in which I realised I was an idiot long after I could actually do anything about it.”

“It matters to me,” Anastasia whispered. “Tell me. Please.”

She studied Ina as she gathered her thoughts. She couldn’t help the part of her that wanted go back in time to their days at Belvoire, to sit in her office wearing her blazer doing crossword puzzles instead of working just one more time. She knew she was acting the fool, but somehow the memories made her feel good. Perhaps because more than reminding her of Ina, it reminded her of who she had been around her. Braver. Stronger. Flawed, certainly, but unafraid.

She missed that girl. That Anastasia. That young and idealistic version of herself that had burned the brightest when Ina Kingsley was nearby. The Anastasia who made mistakes. The Anastasia whose mistakes did not lead to needless death, who had nothing more than her studies and social life to concern herself with. 

Ina sighed. “There are... many things I would do differently where you are concerned. That’s my one regret: that I was foolish enough to let you go.” She gave her another sad smile and added, “Selfishly, perhaps, but there it is.”

“I’m still here.” She swallowed thickly, her eyes never leaving the woman she’d once loved with almost the same amount of passion as she now loved Kamilah with. Part of her still loved Ina, but in the nostalgic way you always carried a torch for your first real love long after the romantic relationship had ended and the passion had faded. “And nothing could’ve stopped me from becoming what I am, Ina. I’m an ember burning in the ashes of the old world I wiped away. I was always supposed to spark and burn, ravage and destroy, heal and govern. You could not have changed it. You could not have stopped it. Many people who have loved me have thought the same thing, but nothing could’ve stopped things from happening the way they did. Things were always supposed to be this way.”

“I know,” Ina said quietly, brushing her thumb over her knuckles. “But do you ever think of what we might’ve had together if things had been different?”

“You mean if we had just... met each other that night in the speakeasy and I was still a student at NYU who hadn’t decided to transfer to Belvoire?”

Ina nodded. “Like normal people do. None of the taboos of a student/teacher relationship and no vampires or destinies or obligations. If I had just sent you that drink, thought you were breathtakingly gorgeous, and talked with you until dawn.”

“Sometimes,” she admitted. “When I feel like I’m in over my head being what I have to be, I sometimes find myself wondering what would’ve happened if any number of things had been different.”

“And are we happy, do you think? In this alternative universe where everything is different, where you actually look like an eighty-seven year old woman sat by my bedside, did we grow old together in a life filled with happiness?”

Anastasia’s bottom lip trembled and she turned her head away in a desperate bid to stop Ina from seeing her tears. She looked desperately around them at the scenic garden just outside the hospice window, her vision blurred with tears, and everything was somehow like the smears of blood and smoke, light and ash, and inside her head all she could hear was all the screaming and gunfire and hatred she’d bore witness to since becoming a vampire. All of the fights she’d been apart of seemingly hitting her at once, and, deep down, she was so tired of the memories of all the fighting, so frustrated, angry, and helpless now that everyone was dying. Everyone may have thought she was strong, but she was not strong. She felt weak, and she was sick of pretending she was not.

When she looked back at Ina a single tear trickled down her ageless face and as she spoke, her voice trembling, the mortal reached out to gently wipe it away with her thumb. “I think we were very happy.”

The irony in having the incredible gift of knowing the future, of knowing what might come, and instead worrying about the past and what could’ve been was not lost on her. Why did she torment herself like this? There was more to this life than love. There was duty. Empire. Family. The vampires she led. The promises she made. But she couldn’t help but think things would be so much easier if she could just focus on those things. If she didn’t feel everything so deeply.

“Don’t cry for me, Nastyona,” Ina murmured, tears flooding her own eyes. “You’ve suffered more than enough. No more tears.”

“I’m just— I don’t think you realise how much I’m going to miss you.”

“It will get better.” Ina slowly guided her down so that she was laying with her head rested against her chest, being careful not to nudge the numerous monitors stuck there to survey her weakening heart. Even without the bleeping of monitors the uneven beats were deafening to Anastasia’s ears. “You'll never forget me, not even after years. But one day, you'll go a whole minute without feeling the pain. Then an hour. A day.” Her voice dropped and her breathing became raspy. “You'll heal, I promise.”

The vampire flinched, knowing what was about to happen. But how could the woman who had stirred her entire life really be dying?

“I promise I'll miss you forever,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Until the day we meet again I will hold you in my heart and protect you there, grieving what we never had, cherishing what we did. I’ll always wish you were here. Always.”

“I promise I'll miss you forever,” Ina echoed, drowsily. “And always.”

Tears spilled down Anastasia’s cheeks as her heart beat grew steadily slower. ‘Please don't take her away from this world,’ she found herself silently praying to a god she hadn’t really believed in since her childhood. ‘Please don't let my friend die here in my arms, not after everything we've been through together, not after you’ve taken so many others. Please, I beg you, let her live a while longer.’

But begging never got anybody anywhere, did it? And even the brightest mortal lives were criminally short.

She knew that Ina was dying. She knew there was nothing she could do to stop it. So she did the one thing she could, she gave her one last memory. Just a glimpse of one night sat by the fire in her office at Belvoire. An image of her stealing her reading glasses right from her face and running around the room like a giggling child as Ina had chased after her with half a bottle of scotch in her hand. Then, when she’d finally caught up to her they had wound up slow dancing to no music. It wasn’t much... but they’d been happy then. They’d been truly happy, and she hoped that Ina could feel that. She hoped that sending her back to that blissful moment, getting her out of this damn hospital room... she hoped that would be enough to ease any fears she might have.

Whatever gods existed, they were cruel beings. Anastasia was willing to sacrifice anything to make this happen, to keep one of the most influential people in her life for a while longer — she’d have been willing to do anything anyone had asked of her. Maybe the gods would laugh at her for such a naive promise, but she meant it in earnest, and she truly did not care if it made no sense or seemed impossible. ‘Let her live,’ she silently begged through her tears. ‘Please. I can't bear this another time.’

She didn’t even notice that the door to the hospital room hand opened until she felt Kamilah’s arms around her, gently pulling her away from Ina’s still body as she sobbed hysterically. The ancient vampire clutched her to her chest as she cried, the warm scent of lavender and home providing at least some comfort.

“She’s gone! I can’t hear her heart beating! Ina’s gone!,” she cried. “Kami— She’s—“

“Shhhh. I know, my love,” Kamilah cooed, stroking her hair as she looked over her shoulder at the mortal she’d actually come to like. She had come to like and respect Ina Kingsley so much that she couldn’t look at her for too long without tears welling up in her own eyes, so she buried her face into her wife’s hair and comforted her as best she could. “She is at peace.”

For years Kamilah had been trying to teach her that with every loss, she was not made. She was remade. But at not even a century old, Anastasia still had a long way to go before she learned that lesson. First she would be destroyed by each loss. Stripped down to the trembling mortal child that still lived at her core. It didn’t matter how strong she thought she was. Death would always diminish, humiliate, and humble her. But when she survived the pain and the loss, she would be reborn. She’d rise from the shadow world of what-could’ve-been and despair so that she might become as fearful as that which had tried to destroy her. So that she might know darkness and loss and grief and use it as her shield in her life’s mission to serve the world she’d created.

Yet with every loss, Anastasia felt out of melody with the world the way a blind man felt his way forward in an unfamiliar room. With every loss, her heart continued to shatter as if it were made of glass. For all her gifts, she was still much too young to stand beneath so many shadows.

Through her tear blurred eyes she looked up at the skylight, at the stars hanging low in a sky that made her think she was seeing the infinite. But beneath their cold gaze, she couldn’t help but feel small and weak. All the beauty of the stars meant nothing when life here on earth could be so ugly.

Above her, the heavens glowed bright, the night sky pale with starlight. Some long-buried part of her could still understand that this was beauty even amongst death, but she was unable to wonder at it, the way she did when she was young. Back then, she clambered up trees to get closer to the stars, sure that a few feet of height would help her see them better. Back then, her world had been tall trees and sky and innocence. Back then, everything had been different.

Anastasia closed her eyes and nuzzled further into Kamilah’s warmth as she stood there between her first two loves. Above anything else, she knew how lucky she had been to find both Ina Kingsley and Kamilah Sayeed. Very few people were lucky enough to experience one great love, never mind two. When it happened, you just knew. It was a magnet affect, a sense of finding your missing half, someone who gave off what you did and drew you in like they did to you. 

And she knew it would take time to heal from this, but she knew that she would. She had survived this feeling before, and she would survive it again. In this fiery hellscape of a world, this mess of blood and madness and death, healing existed only for those who took it. She’d be damned if she was not one of them.

~ fin.


End file.
